The first Ten pages of Stephen Colbert’s stunningly magnificent, magnum opus, I Am America (and so can you!) are so superb, so… compelling…that one is tempted to drop everything, make a few calls and get together with one’s pals over a meal (breakfast, perhaps) to discuss and study, nay memorize, every word, so that we may recite, chapter and verse, when in communion with those poor souls who have not been blessed by receiving the “fruit of Colbert’s mental loins”.
Without the help of so much as a single word, pages One and Two, tell us so much more, than words ever could (unless, of course, they were His words) about the character of The Maste…er…that is, Mr. Colbert. In a style, reminiscent, of the sixties artist and pop god, Andy Warhol, the polytychal representation of Stephens strongly chiseled features in silhouette will, undoubtedly, give the first time viewer a distinct frisson…they (his profiles) are perfectly symmetrical, and thus, perfectly conform to our western ideal of beauty and are, therefore, liable to bring a tear to one’s eye and make one’s heart ache with the utter exquisitrudaliciousness of Him all. Then, there is the confirmation of Colbert’s well-known color blindness as he allows himself to be depicted as both a Red and a Black man, not realizing that he is, in fact, as those of us who worsh…uh…admire him, can attest, as white, as the driven snow.
Page Three: informs us that we are lucky enough to be in possession of the “Collectible Paperback Edition” (valued on E-Bay auctions at only $0.50 to $1.25, a scant 3 years after its initial release … but, in a recent bust of a radical, Colbert is Our God (C.O.G….its members see themselves as mere cogs in the awesome machine, the unstoppable juggernaut, that is, The Colbert Nation) cell, in Boulder Colorado… ATF officials put a street value of $2.6 million on a “contraband” filled steamer trunk (16 urine-soaked copies of I Am America). This is a more realistic appraisal [although, I must say that the ATF once busted me with two joints in my pocket, that they informed the media had a “street value” of $150,000). Page 3 also sports a swell shot of Stephen’s handsome, beaming face…almost psychotic in its warm intensity.
On Page Four, we find a delightful black & white engraving of our Leader (albeit, in the style of V.I. Lenin’s high school yearbook shot from the Simbirsk High Sabertooth) It is well known that, in college, Stephen briefly flirted with the Left, as most young men do (cf: young Screen Actor’s Guild President Ronald Reagan’s foolish condemnation of St. Joe [McCarthy], before he finally came to his senses [and grew a set of balls]), and the collegiate Colbert (or Steffi C., as all his pinko, queer pals called him) even went so far as to sing with a barbershop quartet called, The Volga Boatmen.
Page Five: The title page gives us the names of the thirteen disciples who cooked, cleaned, researched, and took care of all of Stephen’s “needs” as he slaved day and night, night and day, for three full days to put I AM AMERICA (and so can you!) together. These eleven men and two women account for the fair and balanced picture of life in contemporary America, so unforgettably painted on these pages.
Page Six: Stephen shows his design genius by putting all of the annoying copyright information in a five pointed, Star of Stephen, with barely legible white print on a solid red background that is guaranteed to excite the senses of the easily manipulated readers who typify the barely literate (“reading is for dullards…and who wants to be a duck..?” ) denizens of the Colbert Nation.
Page Seven: will make you weep…does Stephen dedicate this precious work to his wife, or his parents, or his children..? No..!!! Like a true patriot, Stephen is willing to lay down all their lives, without a second thought, for his one, true love…the dedicatee of I Am America… AMERICA..! (oh, Stephen…bravo….!)
Explosive…!! Pages Eight and Nine: (barely) contain the Table of Contents…for those of you unfamiliar with books, the TOC is, it would seem, a list of the chapters in a book, along with the name of each chapter, and the page number on which that chapter may be found..!!!! eg. Chapter Six “Sex & Dating” 1,001 Abstinence Positions Page 86 (86..? does that mean abstinence is off the menu.?) …Never mind, it is a marvelous idea and I’m not certain but, I think Stephen may be among the first, if not the first, author, to use this literary device, in a published work. Amazing…!
PageTen: A gorgeous portrait of The Nation’s fearless leader… …….Worldshaker Stephen Tyrone Colbert..!!!
Next up:10 More Pages That Shook The World!(the Introduction)